If you don't like what i write, then quit reading...

I hate Christmas. It holds no meaning for me. There is nothing special about it for me. I wish it would go away. i wish i could go away. A time for family? Not really... the kids just want money, and who knows if my oldest will even show up. No one special in my life. No one to buy a special gift for. No one to sit by the tree (oh yeah, what tree?) no one to just BE with . those of you who have all of these things won't be able to relate.

I have given up on ever finding a special someone. What's wrong with me that no one wants to know me or be with me, and that includes male or female company.

I met someone again and he acted so interested and then - poof- he doesn't call back when he said he would. It's the typical man, so typical and I'm sorry guys, not even stereotypical because you are all the same. It's rude, just downright rude not to return a call.

There is no where to go to meet people when you are all alone. No where to meet anyone new in this stupid small town, but would it be different anywhere else.

I did it! I'm through my stats class! And guess what? I got an "A"! I have never worked so hard, spent so much time on a class (or money), and yet, i did it! I'm not really all that excited as I sound - I'm just very glad that it is over.And actually, I think I understand most of it, which is a good thing. I'm through all my coursework - that in itself is hard to believe - it has taken me 4 years of giving up so much, my summers, special family occasions, a social life, etc etc. I have to do my thesis project yet, unless I decide to take comps. but whatever I decide , I am taking this year off - I have too much to think about with starting my new program at school. 

I don't know what to think or how to think or if I should even think at all.

both of my boys hate me...their mom... the one who has always been there for them with them, but they hate me... they have told me  that they hate me and don't care if they show respect towards me...

what have I done to deserve this? I'm not sure - I'm sure I've made many mistakes like all parents do, but I have never hurt them physically or verbally. Is it because they are adopted? I'm not the real mom and so they don't have to treat me as such.

I don't think I can go back 18 years and tell you all that I have been through with my oldest, but to have to call the sheriff today and have them come and get him and his dad's and then walk into the sheriff's office and see him sitting there with handcuffs on really hurt my heart - because that's what I still feel for him - I don't want him to end up in jail or dead or on drugs or without a job and on and on and on, but I can't do anything anymore - he's 18. he could have been charged with two counts of domestic violence and because of the circumstances they let his dad and I talk to him. we took him to a counselor - he has to go to anger management, and if there is one more incident all we have to do is call and he will be put in jail and charged. I hope this scared him, I hope it made him think. How long it will last i don't know. I don't know.

Will there ever be any joy in my life again? Nothing gets better ever. I know that sounds so negative but I'm just tired of being miss sunshine for everyone. I'm tired of doing and going through everything by myself. I'm just tired.

hey everybody!
I'm almost finished with statistics class - another teacher and I worked from about noon today until 11:30 tonight!
I don't think I've ever spent this much time on a class - not even writing my first three chapters of my thesis. The irony of it all is that I might only pull a B - I think I'm still in the running for an A, but it depends how my final goes.

I'm sorry I've been ignoring all of you that have made comments and that have added me as a friend. I'm hoping to be back in the 'real " world soon, if that's a good thing or not. I will talk to all of you soon! right now, I need to sleep so I can finish writing everything up in the next couple of days.

I'm having a horrible couple of days again.... wondering why I am here, why I should live, why nothing means anything anymore.
I read some of these blogs and some people have boyfriends, some of you have children and /or grandchildren, some of you have wives or husbands, some of you are surrounded by friends or family that you are in touch with and interact with and who truly seem to care about you...so I'm just wondering...
What if you have no one in your life? What if you have no one that calls you or seems to care about you? What if you have no friends that you can lean or or trust or who are always there no matter what? What if you have two sons, but they don't act like their mom means anything to them - do they ever help me out because I am alone? No.
What if you start to think that you must have something wrong with you that no one wants to be around you? What if you sit alone every night wishing you could go out, go to a movie, or out to eat, or to a dance, or to the state fair, but you don't have anyone to do any of those things with? What if you feel like all you do is school work, and then the next thing you have to do is more school stuff because your classroom is a mess because they moved all your stuff and it's only a month and you have to be ready to teach? What if you feel like you are 54 and half your life is over and you really haven't lived, and now you wonder if you want to live if this is how it's going to be? What if you wonder if you can die of loneliness and sometimes you wish you would so you wouldn't have to feel this way anymore? What if you feel like you shouldn't feel this way but you do and you don't know what to do about it? What do you do if you are tired of acting like everything is wonderful around people because you know you shouldn't feel this way, and they don't want to hear about your problems? What do you do if you feel like there are no answers anymore?